Author: Susan Dunn, Personal and Professional Development Coach


We tend to think of finding the right relationship as being a
hunt for another person, and it is. But it depends first of all
on being ready yourself. The best way to do this is to develop
your emotional intelligence skills. It’s all about relationships
and emotions, after all.

You could meet the most “right” person in the world, and still
not be able to make it work. In fact in some cases, if you’re
dragging around the past, you wouldn’t know a good partner for
you if they appeared in shining light.

So what can you do?

1.Know yourself completely and what you want.

2.Increase your emotional intelligence competencies.

3.Be sure the past is past.

4.Use your emotional intelligence in the early stages of the
relationship (and of course thereafter!)

KNOWING YOURSELF

Clients ask me this, and I hear people asking other people when
they are about to meet a new man of woman, “But I don’t know how
to act.”

When you’re meeting someone new, the answer is to just be
yourself, but of course this is easier than it sounds! We’re
nervous and want to make a good impression, so two parts of
emotional intelligence are important: self-awareness, and being
able to manage our emotions.

When you have developed your emotional intelligence skills, you
know who you are, and what you want in all areas of your life,
and you know what you are looking for in a partner. You also are
better able to manage your emotions (and those of others).

In fact one of the competencies is called “Intentionality.” This
means saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, and then
doing all you can to make it happen.

USING YOUR EQ

Getting to know someone else is always full of surprises, and
the older you get, the more “history” you will have to relate to
each other. Bear in mind that it is always easiest for us to
handle our own “problems” emotionally, than those of others.

You may have endured a bankruptcy or the death of a spouse as
part of your life, and to someone else this might sound
insurmountable. They may wonder what shape you’re in,
emotionally, and what this has “done” to you. For instance, they
may know someone who hasn’t coped well with one of these
situations, and may be thinking this would apply to you as well.
My mother used to say, “If all our problems were hung on a line
(clothes line), you would take yours, and I would take mine.”

So the emotionally intelligent thing is to introduce what we’ll
call “new material” slowly. Of course everyone puts their best
foot forward in the early stages of a relationship, and that’s
appropriate. But as you increase the intimacy and start getting
to know one another more deeply, you will be talking about the
battle scars, the things that make you who you are. We all have
them!

Remember that yours may sound much “bigger” to the other person
than they actually are. Don’t rush into this part of the
relationship, telling of all those times you missed the mark, or
had things happen to you that altered the course of your life.
Begin by showing your wonderful, positive strengths and the
qualities that have allowed you to be resilient through the
rough seas of life.

Think about someone showing you a house for sale. They wouldn’t
start with the repaired foundation and the 15 year old HVAC
system. They would begin with the spectacular view, the stunning
master suite with the oversized Jacuzzi, the top-of-the-line
appliances in the kitchen, and the exceptional landscaping on
the acre lot.

There will be plenty of time to get to the foundation (along
with the warranty papers) and the HVAC system’s age (which can
easily be replaced, and you’ve reduced the price of the house to
accommodate). But why start with those things? It just isn’t
emotionally intelligent.

If you’d like to get to know yourself better, and increase your
EQ skills, the first thing to do is take an EQ assessment, which
you can do here: http:/ inyurl.com/z94t . Then work with an
emotional intelligence coach. To find potentially compatible
partners, try here: http:/ inyurl.com/2lyea .

EQ is all about identifying your emotions, understanding them,
managing them, and regulating them, and what greater gift could
you give this potential life partner you are looking for?

And in the meantime, improving your EQ will benefit you in all
areas of your life, and clear the air for new experiences in
your life.