Author: Susan Dunn, MA, Personal and Professional Development Coach


Expressing emotions accurately is an EQ competency. Experiencing
them and expressing them when appropriate is a matter of mental
and physical health. In fact there’s a phrase in psychology
called “acting out,” which means if you don’t say it, you’re
going to do it. You’ll act it out.

Are you acting out your emotions and sabotaging yourself instead
of experiencing and dealing with them appropriately in a mindful
way?

I have a friend who calls this, “acting in the grip of a strange
compulsion.” Well, we needn’t be so dramatic about it, but did
you ever find yourself acting strangely, knowing it’s not like
you even as you’re doing it? Usually you’re doing something that
doesn’t help your own cause, that you wouldn’t ordinarily do,
and that you “know better than to do.” You surprise even
yourself!

An example of this would be forgetting to pick up your wife’s
laundry. Ordinarily you’re an organized and efficient person and
this is part of your weekly routine. It’s not like you to forget
to do it. Often if you think back, it can be traced to an
emotion you didn’t acknowledge, express, or deal with
appropriately. For instance you may have had a fight with your
wife and failed to resolve it. The resentment lingers and if you
aren’t mindful, you’ll forget to pick up her laundry as a way of
getting back at her and expressing your anger.

Another example would be being criticized unfairly by your boss,
failing to deal with your anger about it, and then failing to
get a report in on time. Suddenly you can’t find the energy to
do the work. The creativity to do the research leaves you, your
fingers just won’t write the report, and every little thing
distracts you from the task. Failing to get the report in on
time sabotages you, which adds insult to injury. It’s the kind
of thing you might do when you aren’t mindful.

In each case the healthy way of handling the emotions is
different, but they must be dealt with or else they will find
their own way of being expressed.

In intimate relationships, you’ll find you might as well go
ahead and say it, because not saying it will damage the
relationship more. Resentment will build up, old wounds will
fester, and soon you will have made a mountain out of a mole
hill. It’s much easier to deal with things right away, using
your emotional intelligence – your communication and
interpersonal skills.

In the career situation, you can’t count on the boss caring
about how you feel, or being interested in a personal
relationship with you, but you do have a right to be treated
with respect. You must be attuned to what you’re feeling and
stand up for yourself in a professional manner, or find
somewhere else to work if you care about your health. And one of
the first things I caution someone who comes to me for career
coaching because they’re dissatisfied with their job, is to get
very mindful. Otherwise, it’s likely you’ll end up getting
yourself fired to get yourself out of there. It happens all the
time and there’s a much more gracious way to make your exit.

Emotional Intelligence is all about being mindful. If we
experience our emotions and pay attention to them, they can
guide us. If we express our emotions appropriately and
accurately, we can address a situation before it becomes an
issue. If we ignore our emotions, bury them, or fail to listen
to their message, we lose a guide and we also a sense of
ourselves. It has been said “we are our emotions” because
without emotions we would all be alike and all like machines.
There would be no reason for choosing one thing over another, no
reason for doing one thing rather than another. If we are our
emotions, we are also our choices, and our choices often revolve
around emotions.

Studying Emotional Intelligence can greatly enrich your life and
should be given at least as much attention as your intellectual
and academic education. Unfortunately it has been ignored in our
formal educations, and its up to us to close the gap. Certified
Emotional Intelligence coaches can help you assess your EQ and
develop it. The benefits will be all yours.