Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


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Title: Resistance to Celebrating Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by
Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word
Count: 720 Category: Emotional Healing, Relationships

RESISTANCE TO CELEBRATING Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Some people really love celebrations – birthdays, anniversaries,
holidays – while other people seem to dislike them. Derek will
tell you that he could go through life very nicely without
celebrations. To Derek, celebrations are a bother, a nuisance.
They are meaningless and commercialized, created by big business
to make money. Derek does not want to fall into the trap of
being like everyone else.

Bonnie, Derek’s wife, is just the opposite. She loves
celebrations. She loves to buy just the right gifts for people.
She loves to celebrate people on their birthdays and
anniversaries. She loves Thanksgiving, Christmas, as well as
Chanukah, since she is half Jewish. To Bonnie, celebrations are
times when she can express her love and appreciation for people
and her gratitude for her life. Bonnie is sad that Derek doesn’t
like to join her, and often feels lonely at holiday time because
Derek is so resistant to celebrating.

How did Derek get this way? What causes him and others to
dislike celebrations?

Derek grew up with a very controlling, invasive mother. She
tried to control Derek in many areas – how he wore his hair, who
he dated, how he spent his time, what courses he took in school,
what major he had in college. In addition, she exerted much
control over him during celebrations. Not only did he have to
get her a terrific present, but whatever he got was never good
enough. For Derek, celebrations were not fun at all.

Now, as an adult, Derek is in resistance to being controlled. He
has transferred his anger and resistance toward his mother onto
society and big business. Now it is society and big business
that are trying to control him. Now, because he is an adult, he
no longer has to give in as he did with his mother. Now he can
resist being controlled.

The problem is that it is not really an adult who is making the
decision to hate holidays – it’s a wounded, angry resistant
adolescent who just doesn’t want to be controlled any more.
Derek actually has a little child inside - the happy, playful,
loving child – who would love to be celebrated on his birthday
and would love to celebrate others, but this tyrannical,
controlling adolescent part of him (who is just like his
mother!) won’t let him. So, like Bonnie, his little inner child
ends up feeling sad and lonely on holidays and birthdays, while
the adolescent part of Derek thinks he is beating the system.

Derek will never be able to experience the joy of celebrations
until he starts to care more about what is truly loving to
himself and others, rather than being controlled by his
resistance to being controlled. As long as not being controlled
– by Bonnie, by his mother, or by society and big business – is
more important to him than taking care of the little child
inside who loves celebrations, Derek will be in resistance.

One way of moving out of this resistance is to find something he
does want to celebrate. Can he celebrate his love for his wife?
Can he celebrate the loving part of himself? Can he celebrate
the fact that he is free to resist and rebel if that is what he
wants? Can he celebrate his freedom to choose, his free will to
determine what will bring him joy? Derek has the choice to move
out of celebrating what others say he should celebrate and
discover what he wants to celebrate. Then he might discover the
joy of celebrating!

Meanwhile, Bonnie needs to take care of herself and find people
who would enjoy celebrating with her. Rather than being stuck in
her loneliness around special days, she needs to find friends to
celebrate with her. She needs to let go of trying to get Derek
to join her – which only taps into his resistance – and figure
out how to take care of herself in the face of his choices. She
will just lose out if she tries to have any control over his
resistance. However, if Derek is open to learning about his
resistance and open to learning about what he could celebrate,
she can certainly engage in those discussions with him. If she
lets go and he opens to exploring, perhaps they can discover new
and joyful ways of celebrating!