Author: Rich Rojas


One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the
huge variety of exercise equipment that’s available. It’s also a
great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society.
Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee –- We’ve all been focused on our workout
when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner
of the weight room. You look over and there’s a guy doing
laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn’t matter what the
exercise or weight is –- he’s screaming with every rep. If it
helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a
good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer –- The Strainer can often be observed loading up
a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to
perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise
of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will
position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and
then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of
his being. It’s truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck,
it’s hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with
several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep.
“That’s one!” Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don’t bother
trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You’ll
only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger –- this is usually a young person, male or
female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into
their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your
workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course
everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due
to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to
their surroundings and you’ll need to shout to get their
attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming
and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer –- it’s hard to believe, but there are people
who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves
of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example.
He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick
cardio work and then it’s right back to the locker room. The
cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and
steam room until he’s sweated out every last drop of water from
his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. “Great for
the pores!” he’ll tell you as he stands there glistening like a
Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie –- there are some gym regulars who are so
genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent
“maintenance mode” for they’re training. Their routines consist
of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that
they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of
sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra
workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing
anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy –- Cathy is a relatively new species that has
evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to
use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on
the adductor machine and wait for a call –- any call –- which
soon arrives without fail.

She’ll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the
cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a “workout”.
She’ll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine
she’s parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are
also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician –- this is usually either a personal
trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of
stability ball exercises from a special course or secret
training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they
possess!

They’re on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the
legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe
Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when
they’re around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly
preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at
the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching
experience that it is.