Author: Dr. Margaret Paul


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Title: The Importance of Laughter and Tears Author: Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright:
© 2005 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word
Count: 760 Category: Self Improvement, Personal Growth

The Importance of Laughter and Tears By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Ron grew up in a household where laughter and tears were never
expressed. Anger was the main feeling expressed by his mother,
while his father was mostly withdrawn. By the time Ron was eight
years old, he had managed to shut off both his laughter and his
tears to avoid feeling rejected by his parents and controlled by
his mother. Shutting down was his way of protecting against
being invaded by his very controlling mother. He became a
serious child - a controlled and controlling child.

Ron grew up, went to college, became a successful lawyer,
married and had three children. Yet nothing, not even his deep
love for his children, managed to break through his rigid,
controlling way of being.

Ron reached out for my help because he was not only very
unhappy, but was often in physical pain. All he could say about
the physical pain was that he hurt. “My body hurts. My chest
hurt, my stomach hurts, and my back hurts.” He had been
thoroughly checked out by a physician and learned that nothing
was physically wrong. The doctor told him it was stress.

Ron told me that he spent much of his non-working time
daydreaming because when he was present with himself in the
moment, all he felt was pain. He had learned to daydream to
avoid the pain.

However, Ron was now 48 years old, and the daydreaming was no
longer working well. The pain was breaking through, especially
in the form of debilitating back pain, so Ron decided he needed
some help.

The issue behind Ron’s pain was that his primary intention in
his life was to control. He wanted to control how others felt
about him. He wanted to control how well his employees worked.
He wanted to control how his wife treated him, as well as how
well his children did in school. He particularly wanted to have
control over not feeling the pain of rejection and the fear of
engulfnment that he had felt so much in his family.

Ron’s control had worked for him to a certain extent. He was
financially successful. He had all the material things a person
could want – a beautiful home, a vacation home, a boat, and all
the electronics a person could ever use. He had a wonderful
family, and he had good health, other than his pain. Yet he was
often miserable.

The problem Ron was facing was that having control was far more
important to him than being a loving person with himself and
with others. As a result, Ron felt empty inside and was
constantly looking to others to fill him up. He had no interest
in taking responsibility for his own feelings – his own pain and
joy. He wanted others or things to make him happy.

Imagine how a child would feel if you put him into a box and
told him he could never laugh or cry. This is what was happening
with Ron. His Inner Child – his feeling self – was in a box, not
allowed to laugh or cry. Laughter and tears are our natural ways
of releasing feelings. Without the God-given gifts of laughter
and tears, our feelings get blocked up inside, eventually
causing our muscles to go into painful spasms. This is what was
causing Ron’s pain. He could no longer put a lid on his feelings
without feeling physical pain.

It was a tough battle for Ron. At those moments when he let go
of control and opened his heart to love, the pain went away. But
his terror of being rejected or controlled was generally more
powerful than his desire to be loving with himself and others,
and he would close up in the face of his fears. He feared that
if he opened to his feelings, he would be weak and would be seen
as weak, which he feared would lead to both rejection and
engulfment.

Ron wanted something he could not have – the illusion of safety
that being so controlling gave to him, while not suffering from
the physical pain of being so controlling.

After much hard work, Ron finally saw that being loving to
himself by letting himself experience his laughter and tears did
not cause weakness, nor the rejection and engulfment he feared.
In fact, by being more aware of his feelings and allowing
himself to express them, Ron learned that he actually felt safer
and more powerful than when trying to control everything.

Laughter and tears are great gifts that allow us to release our
feelings in healthy ways.